A new report suggests that the age-old mid-life crisis is affecting people not in their late 40s and beyond – but more commonly between 35 and 44 years old.
It doesn’t necessarily mean that men will go out and buy a fast sports car, or start an affair with someone 20 years their junior.
But what it does mean is people are yearning after something they haven’t got … or something they feel they should have.
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| Reggie Perrin suffered a mid-life crisis |
People in their late 30s and early 40s are the unhappiest in society, according to the Relate survey, which talked to more than 2,000 people about communication.
They were also the loneliest of any age group. One in five felt lonely all the time, or had suffered depression.
What we term a mid-life crisis involves complex factors and can be triggered when people think they’ve reached life’s halfway stage. Men in particular realise the truth that they are not young any more.
They feel anxious about what they have accomplished, either in their job or personal life, and weighing up what might happen next can cause a period of depression. They may mull over unresolved difficulties in the past, realise they won’t achieve all they had hoped for, and feel a sense of loss over missed opportunities.
There can be powerful emotional upheavals as people face up to what they see as diminished options for their future.
It’s easy to make light of insecurities and nagging doubts, as we presume every little cough could be the start of something terminal and that perhaps we should buy some boy toys like a massive Kawasaki, or take a course to become a helicopter pilot.
There is, however, a recognition that we might need to make a real change. In fact, psychologist Carl Jung wrote that the greatest potential for growth and self-realisation exists in the second half of life.
The health service acknowledges that what we label mid-life crisis is a controversial syndrome which experts think is related to the brain or to hormonal changes, and can be quite debilitating. It accepts that everyone’s circumstances are different.
There may only be a feeling of restlessness that comes out of the blue, or a feeling that everything is meaningless, despite having lots of positives to focus on.
There is sometimes the Reginald Perrin scenario, like the television character from the 1970s, where people try to destroy what they have built up in order to start again in a more contented and fulfilled existence, after goals and ambitions seem to fade away.
The first advice is to see your doctor and get some help before things get worse. If it’s depression, it can be triggered by a major life change, such as redundancy, divorce, separation, bereavement or long-term illness. There may even be no obvious reason.
People do deal with their “crises” in wildly varied ways. They may well buy that motorbike, or go down the route of plastic surgery. Others may leave their spouse as they look for a new beginning, while many are less dramatic and organise a weight loss or fitness routine.
Mental health charity Mind is very much focused on what can happen next.
Head of information Bridget O’Connell said: “If we can be honest about our painful and confusing feelings, mid-life can be a time for reassessment and reappraisal, a learning period providing the opportunity to change.
“We may become more interested in exploring parts of our psyche that we have lost touch with, develop a greater self-knowledge and sense of inner strength, and be less dependent on the approval of others.
“We may cultivate a greater interest in spiritual matters and express hidden skills and creativity. Many people also find that their relationships become deeper and more rewarding.”
The survey also looked into those relationships, and found one in three people in this age group felt shorter working hours would improve family relationships.
Relate’s Claire Tyler said: “Traditionally, we associate the mid-life crisis with people in their late 40s to 50s, but the report reveals that this period could be reaching people much earlier.
“It’s when life gets really hard – you’re starting a family, pressure at work can be immense and increasingly money worries can be crippling. We cannot afford to sit back and watch this happen. The ensuing effects of relationship breakdown on society are huge, so it’s really important that this age group has access to appropriate and relevant support, be that through friends and family or other methods, such as counselling.”
Carol Brady, from the Lincolnshire Partnership Foundation NHS Trust, which deals with mental health, says the so-called mid-life crisis of the thirty-somethings may, instead, be something else. Lincoln-based couples counsellor Denise Pickup agrees.
Carol said: “The concept of mid-life crisis is people making changes to their life.
“I don’t know whether people are experiencing the traditional mid-life crisis younger, but now, if people have not made it by their 30s or 40s, they may think they have failed.
“Mid-life crisis is still something that happens to people who are a little older, for instance when retirement is looming. Life events, such as being affected by bereavement, is not typically happening to people in their 30s.
“What’s different in their 30s or 40s is having a pressurised job and children. The Relate survey is picking up on the pressures people have at that age.
“Maybe it’s at that point when people realise they are not moving on as quickly as they feel they should be – maybe having a big mortgage and not much money – and that survey would be reflecting the economic situation at the time of the survey too.
“People can experience mental health problems at all times. Depression and loneliness has been identified in a group of people that you might not expect. But you get people feeling like that at all levels.
“Depression is highest in older people, when people are more likely to be living in poverty and be socially isolated.”
Denise Pickup said pinpointing the origins of what many people call a mid-life crisis was crucial towards managing it.
She also believes that more and more people in their 20s could now be described as “kidults”, as the lifestyle of adolescence extends into early adulthood, and people settle down later.
People used to have a job for life from the age of 17. Now many are not settling down until they are 30.
“They can be flung into high pressure,” she said. “We’re on our own a lot in modern life, too, what with online banking, and even self-serve petrol pumps. There was a lot more certainty in previous generations.
“Traditionally, mid-life crisis happens to men aged over 45. People in their 30s are getting very flaky, but it’s not a mid-life crisis. It’s a delayed adolescence, and if we can pinpoint the reason they were unable to flower as a teenager, this can be handled quite safely.
“We’re living in stressful times. It takes people longer to mature. A lot of people come to me saying they are having a mid-life crisis, but it’s usually a delayed adolescence.
“People don’t understand the stresses of society and so they are not sure how to cope.
“We used to look to our grandfathers for how to live their lives and now look to celebrities. But, although it seems they have it all, there is still often a burn-out after two or three years.”
She said more and more people were encouraged to chase their dreams. But often this would end in disappointment. Not everyone can win The X Factor or Britain’s Next Top Model.
- Reasses your life; plan for the future; identify the positives; assert yourself; be healthy – all good advice from mental health charity Mind:
- Look carefully at all the different areas of your life, to identify how you want to live in the future. Try to be realistic and honest with yourself.
- Consider all your important beliefs, such as your role in life, to see if they are still valid and fit in with what you want for the future.
- If you’ve had long-term difficulties in your relationship, now is the time to consider having counselling as a couple.
- See your mid-life crisis as a mid-life quest. It can be a time of opportunity to put aside past disappointments.
- View this as a time for moving forward, for developing your own sense of values, rather than conforming to expectations of others.
- Is there a long-term pattern in your life of fitting in with everyone else’s wants and needs, while neglecting yourself? Now is the time to change that.
- Talking about problems with a psychotherapist or a counsellor can help people make sense of confusing feelings.
- Mid-life lifestyle changes can prevent potential health problems: stopping smoking, cutting down alcohol and starting.
