Ex-burger van owner Angelos Epithemiou is part-way through a national tour, on the back of his role as scorekeeper on TV’s Shooting Stars.
Patrick Astill caught up with him on the road …
Q: You were driving when I rang. Have you parked up the van?
A:I’ve parked up the van. No, the van’s gone! That’s all gone, that’s out of the window; that part of my life is no more. My van was blown up by mysterious forces.
Q: Is that what forced you into doing the tour? Or are you doing that of your own volition?
A:I’m not doing the tour of my own volition. I’ve been told to do it by the big-wigs, the money men, and very possibly the Government is involved somewhere down the line. I don’t want to be in it. I’d rather be at home watching my collection of Crimewatch videos with a Magnum.
Q: The show’s title suggests you’re on tour with your friends.
A:That’s correct. But although I talk about Ian, Kenny, Mrs Swallow and Tinned Tomatoes, there aren’t actually any friends on stage with me.
Q: What’s the best and worst thing about being on tour?
A:The worst thing about it is that I have to do it. The best thing is that I can go home every night afterwards.
I’ve done half of it but now I’m having a break. Which is very good.
I get to go all over the country in a nice motor.
We’re going up to Preston and Sheffield in the next few weeks. As high as that.
Q: You’ll need a break after all that. Where do you go on holiday?
A:This year I’m going to lovely Neasden. Have you heard of Neasden?
The shopping is very good there and they have loads of pound shops. I just want to spend some quality “me-time”
Q: Have you kept in touch with any celebrities after being on Shooting Stars?
A:I have spent a lot of time with the Hairy Bikers recently, talking about hair and bikes. I cook stuff for them. I say: “Just try this.” Then I get out a box of Findus burgers. They take one bite and say something. But I don’t know what it means, I’m finding their accents hard.
Q: And what about Ulrika? Do you manage to see anything of her?
A: I see a lot of her! ’Cause I stand outside her bedroom window. I see her all the time. I’m getting closer – last week I stood outside her kitchen window. It’s only a matter of time before she asks me to go in.
Q: What are your immediate plans for the future?
A:After this I’m going to go down Londis and have a look for food that’s just going off. You can get it cheap.
Then I’ll bung on Crimewatch.
Q: Some of my friends see you as a problem-solver. They asked if you had any advice for life.
A:If you find yourself in France, don’t panic – just lie down on the floor and curl up in a ball and assistance WILL arrive.
Q: Angelos, what’s in the bag?
A: A lump of meat in case I get hungry, one of those miniature skinhead men (an Action Man) and a gun. It’s a toy gun.
